The Ted Lasso Relationship Guide: We Don't Not Care

Colin Hughes comes out in season 3, episode 9, "La Locker Room Aux Folles"

I continue to be baffled by the unending criticism lobbed at Ted Lasso as this show brings one gorgeous episode after another. Yesterday’s episode, “La Locker Room Aux Folles,” continued the trend of really beautiful, empathetic storytelling that I have grown to love over the past few years. Rebecca has been on an absolute tear the past few weeks, this time giving the business to Roy and maybe (?) snapping him out of his self-pity mode. Nate is sharp, so I assume he already knew that Rupert is the worst, but in this episode, he seemed to be allowing himself to see Rupert more clearly. But the big story this week was definitely Colin Hughes coming out.

Last week we saw that Isaac had discovered that Colin was gay, and as they have always seemed close since the beginning of the show, I was anxious to see how that would play out. And it really was everything that I hoped for.

The team is really clicking with the new total football strategy, but even so, there is tension between Isaac and Colin. As they head into their match against Brighton and Hove Albion, Isaac won’t acknowledge Colin, and during the game, when Colin makes a mistake that allows a goal for the other team, Isaac absolutely loses it. But the real fireworks start when a fan screams a homophobic slur at the team as they leave the field and Isaac goes into the stands and almost starts a fight with him, resulting in a red card and his expulsion from the game.

In the locker room, he continues to show his frustration at the slur and when his teammates tell him that he needs to shake it off, he responds that they shouldn’t have to tolerate that kind of ignorance, noting that one of them could be gay. He storms off and the team speculates that he’s gay until Colin stands up and shares his truth with the team. 

Later, at the urging of Roy, Isaac shows up at Colin’s house and asks why Colin felt that he couldn’t be trusted with the truth. Colin shares that it wasn’t Isaac’s fault, it was his own fear that kept him from being honest with his friend. It ends with the two of them playing video games together, just being friends.

The whole coming out was beautiful. One thing that I appreciated about the episode is that there is never a moment when Colin says, “I’m gay,” on screen. We gather that this has happened because of the reaction of the team, but the actual words are never heard by us. Later, when Isaac visits Colin he asks if Colin will come out to everyone and Colin says no, the team knows and that’s all that matters. I think it’s kind of lovely that the only people who heard Colin say the words were his teammates. It’s a powerful, if subtle, reminder that coming out is not about what we want to hear, but what the person coming out wants to say. Colin doesn’t want to come out to everyone, and the audience is everyone. 

I remember not long after one of my kids came out reading a think piece by someone talking about what they would do if their kid came out. It included proudly telling people about their gay kid, not hiding it. I understood that it was intended to be a supportive bit of wish casting, but I remember thinking that it robbed the person coming out of so much agency. Something I have found is that we need to listen to what the person coming out wants, not what we want. Being supportive isn’t about being the loudest person in the room, it’s about following the lead of the person who has the most to lose if things go sideways. Allowing our LGTBQ friends to set the parameters for their coming out is essential for being a good ally.

I also loved Ted’s reminder that “not caring” is more about tolerance, and that’s not what our LGBTQ friends need. Sure, the “live and let live” vibe is better than something that seeks to harm or oppress, but it’s not the same as acceptance and affirmation. We need to care about people and what impacts their lives. That’s how we love.

Being honored to know someone in this way is a privilege. Nobody is owed a coming out story. If someone comes out to you, you have been given a gift, and it is important to appreciate that. 

One final small moment that I appreciated was between Trent and Colin early in the episode before Colin comes out to the team. Trent asks him how things went when Isaac found out and Colin shared that it didn’t go well. Trent then tells him that while he shouldn’t have to, it might be best to give Isaac space to come to grips with the information. 

I thought it was very smart for the writers to underline the fact that if someone comes out to you, it’s not their job to hand-hold you through your emotions about that. When someone reveals something personal and important about who they are, you love them. Certainly there may be emotions to process, but that’s for a therapist, not for your queer friend. With them, you should just be there to offer whatever support they need. I love that the writers made a note of that. 

I do think it’s important that in an episode where a man comes out, there are numerous statements of platonic love. We finally get the “I love you all so very much” from Sam that we saw in the trailer and then we also get an “I love you” from Colin to Isaac and kind of from Isaac to Colin. There is a tendency to focus on sexuality when we talk about orientation, and that’s somewhat to be expected since it is about attraction. But by constantly shifting the focus back to the love between friends, it is a constant reminder that love isn’t strictly romantic. Seeing men declare platonic love for one another in an episode where that has a higher potential to be seen as a sexual advance is a perfect way to undercut that. 

Because they don’t care. 

But they don’t not care.