The Ted Lasso Relationship Guide: Rebecca's Apology

Getting up close and personal with your pain

Last week I wrote about the ongoing high conflict between Rebecca and Rupert and how that spilled over into Rebecca’s relationships with others. This week I want to look at how she takes another step toward leaving Rupert.

Immediately after the dart scene, Rebecca walks into her office and Higgins comes in to tell her that they haven’t sold as many tickets to the next match as they would have liked, and she tells him to release them to the opposing team, knowing this will demoralize the team and hurt their chances of winning. Higgins stands up to her and refuses, leaving. Immediately after, Keeley comes in with proof that Rebecca had hired the photographer to create a scandal between Ted and Keeley. She tells Rebecca that she has to come clean immediately or she will go to Ted herself. 

Rebecca struggles to apologize, having an awkward conversation with Ted. There is a question as to whether or not she will actually do it, and then Rupert comes to her office and tells her that he's expecting a baby with his new wife. Her face falls and we see her walk straight to Ted’s office to confess everything and apologize. (You can see her apology here.)

In her book “Braving the Wilderness,” Brene Brown writes about moving in closer to people that we struggle to like. She writes, “It is not easy to hate people up close. And when we are in pain and fear, anger and hate are our go-to emotions. Almost everyone I’ve ever interviewed or known will tell you that it’s easier to be pissed off than it is to be hurt or scared.”

 Throughout season one, Rebecca hides behind her hate. Her hatred of Rupert is so all-consuming that it bleeds over onto everyone. But there are moments when there is a reprieve and we can see who Rebecca is at her core. In episode 4 (For the Children), we see Rebecca choose vulnerability when she confesses to Ted that she always feels small compared to Rupert. We start to see her crack a bit more and share herself with the team in episode 6 (Two Aces), but when she sees a headline about Rupert with his new love interest, she moves Jamie Tartt away from the team, leaving them in a worse position than they had been before. Over and over, Rebecca begins to make changes, but the pain she still experiences from her time as Rupert’s wife pushes her toward cruelty.

Brown writes, “Pain will subside only when we acknowledge it and care for it. Addressing it with love and compassion would take only a miniscule percentage of the energy it takes to fight it, but approaching pain head-on is terrifying.”

When Rupert comes to her to hurt her yet again, Rebecca could turn to her regular choice of pain avoidance. But she is alone. Her colleagues and friends have left, having been the victims of her pain, and all that is left for her is that pain. And rather than turning from that hurt and humiliation, she turns to the one person who has been unfailingly kind to her, the coach she brought in to ruin Rupert’s team. The person who in some way is the personification of her pain.

In one of the most powerful scenes I’ve watched on television, she apologizes for everything she’s done. She takes full responsibility for the hurt she has caused and she apologizes. She doesn’t hide, but she shows her full self, creating an opportunity for further humiliation and abandonment. 

But instead, she finds forgiveness. Ted sees some of his own hurt of losing a spouse to divorce in Rebecca. He sees how what she intended for his downfall allowed him an opportunity to make things better for the people that he loves. 

The scene ends with Ted saying, “You know, I think that if you care about someone and you’ve got a little love in your heart, there ain’t nothing you can’t get through together.” 

Being up close both to Ted and to her pain gave Rebecca the permission to experience love that she had blocked herself off from for years. After this scene, Rupert falls out of the picture almost entirely. I think he’s going to be back in season 3, but for the remainder of season 1 and most of season 2, Rupert no longer controls all of her thoughts. And going forward, we see Rebecca make more and more bold choices in relationships, allowing herself permission to seek out happiness. She finds it both in the friendships she cultivates with Ted, Higgins, and Keeley, and romantically on Bantr. Choosing to confront her trauma allows Rebecca to grow and heal in ways that she had been unable to following her divorce. 

Rebecca and Rupert had an abusive marriage and a contentious divorce. Next week I want to shift focus a little bit to talk about Ted and Michelle and the possibility of a good divorce.

Have you chosen to confront your own pain? Have you chosen to get close to someone you don’t particularly like and found that it was harder to hate them up close? Does this apology make you cry as much as it makes me cry? I’d love to hear from you!