The Ted Lasso Relationship Guide: Nate's Press Conference
Where do you go to find validation?
The new season of Ted Lasso is upon us! Squee! I loved it, and truly, I could watch Phil Dunster say “poopy” all day long. If you haven’t watched, be aware that there are some spoilers going forward, particularly as it relates to Nate’s story line.
Last week, we talked about Nate and his season 1 speech in the locker room, and as predicted, there was a lot of Nate in Wednesday’s premier. I want to take kind of an overview look at him, based particularly on the scene where he is giving the press conference.
As we saw at the end of season 2, Nate Shelley is now the head coach for West Ham United, the team that Rupert bought, and one that is in direct competition with Richmond. Nate left season 2 with a scathing rebuke of Ted in which he accuses Ted of building him up only to then abandon him. It is a powerful, emotional scene and Nick Mohammad deserves all the awards for that scene alone.
While it seems that Nate has a sense of himself when he’s on the field, when he is with Rupert, he suddenly becomes the low-confidence man that we saw at the beginning of his journey. He says things that he thinks Rupert will like, constantly looking at him for approval. And this is nowhere more apparent than in his first press conference. After a moment of panic and flashes of being bullied, the picture he gave Ted that he believes was ignored, and his disapproving father, he does his spit trick and becomes the more aggressive, decisive Nate that we saw in season 2. He then goes on to call Ted a shitty coach and to make barbs at the expense of his old team. All the while, he keeps looking at Rupert for approval.
That’s what I want to talk about today. The need for approval and how that can affect the relationships we have with those around us.
As I discussed last week, we see early on that Nate is desperate for positive attention from Ted. The thought of sharing an idea and Ted not liking it terrifies him. He catastrophizes a potential outcome in which Ted hates him, fires him, and sends him home to the scorn of his community. He can’t imagine a scenario where Ted likes it or even where Ted just goes a different way. The only option he can see is one where he is left alone and broken.
As Nate finds success as a coach and Ted grows busy with other aspects of his life and his own healing, we see Nate turn to social media for approval. He spends a sizable amount of time scrolling Twitter, looking for the praises of the fans. When he tries to get that approval from his father, he is rebuffed, being told that his ego is too big simply for wanting an acknowledgement that he did something well. And when some on social media turn on him, as people on social media are wont to do, he turns his shame into anger and threatens Will.
In this episode, we still see Nate scrolling social media to get his cues about how to feel about himself. Social media validation is generally seen as a negative thing. In this paper, Titoluwanimi Onifade cites a study that shows that seeking that kind of approval can jeopardize growth in self-esteem. Numerous studies have shown that habitual use of social media can be detrimental to mental health.
And I get it. I love writing. It makes me happy to put words together and have them mean something. But I also know that sometimes, I can get really caught up in how many people read those words. And then how many people respond positively to those words. And why aren’t there more likes or more subscribers or more comments? I can easily get swept up in the numbers game and base my worth based on those rather than enjoying the simple act of putting words on the page.
As soon as Nate sees that Ted’s kind attitude is getting more social media buzz than the cutting remarks that he made, you can see his demeanor shift from one of pride to one of disgust. His mood is entirely dependent not on his own accomplishments, but rather how people perceive those accomplishments.
Something else we see echoed in this season from last is Nate’s insistence that he earned his spot as the head coach. He says that to Ted in the final episode, and then he says it again in his press conference. He is not content to merely have the job, he needs people to know that he deserved the job, again seeking validation from how others engage with his accomplishments.
We see Nate drive off in a new Aston Martin that Rupert gives him, no doubt feeding his ego because of how nice the car is and also because Rupert likes him enough to give him a car, something Ted could never do. But through Rebecca, we know that Rupert does not give gifts without strings attached. I feel confident that Rupert’s love will wane at the first loss West Ham United suffers, and I don’t think that is going to go well for Nate.
I thought the opening salvo for this final season was really solid and I look forward to what they have in store for us going forward. But in the meantime, what does your relationship to social media look like? How do you find contentment in the act of doing something rather than in how people perceive how you’ve done the thing?
For me, there’s a fine line between my need for support and connection from other people and my need for validation. Mutual connection and support with people I know personally, especially those faraway, is the main reason I continue to use social media. I become concerned when I use it for validation from people I don’t know personally. When I need validation, I revisit my core values to see if what I am doing and how I am being match up with my values. And then I plan some time with close friends - spending time with my close friends being active in the woods or creating something together always reminds me of who I am. And that is what the ‘need’ for validation really is in my life.
I feel sad for Nate. He is so lonely and has walked right into an abusive relationship. In real life, these things aren’t so obvious when they are happening. That’s why we need to reflect on our own actions and decisions on a regular basis. There are a million little ways we can be pulled away from our core values and start down a path towards losing our personal power to someone who is willing to use us (usually unconsciously chasing validation for themself). Oh, the venn diagram of human relationships where dysfunction and healthy habits are such good buddies!
I watched the first episode of season 3 last night. Nate the Great not so great obviously but Mohammed’s performance was outstanding. Ted called it in his press conference where he said Nate finds a weakness and goes after it. It’s what makes him a great strategist but not necessarily a good human or coach as witnesses by his shaming his players by referring to them as “dummies” and making them stand apart from others. I think he’s going to crumble under Rupert’s pressure. And I hate that they are setting up a theme of Ted going back to Kansas or the US (to be with his son presumably) because we know it’s the last season!!